To The Boy Who Broke My Heart
"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." -Isaiah 30:18
Dear You,
I'm not even sure where to start with this letter, so forgive me if my thoughts are all over the place. Let's talk about the great things, you're creative and bright. Charming and simply misunderstood. Your smile is radiant, and your voice always seems to find a way to make me nervous in the best way. The kind of nervous that makes your stomach all fluttery inside. Falling for you was the scariest thing I've ever done and the odds were certainly against us. We came from completely different backgrounds but you never made me feel like I didn't belong. I could share with you how I felt about minor things and you'd give me sound advice. You knew I was the one to call at 3 am when you were not only lost literally but, emotionally as well. I was there. We argued a lot and had numerous disagreements on things but at the end of the day we had each other's back.
Summer came and the excitement wore off. You weren't as patient anymore, you weren't calling me anymore, you were becoming more angry with me about things, you were becoming the very thing I fear the most out of my relationships with people that I value, distant. I wrestled all the reasons why this could be. "Maybe I'm not pretty enough." or "Maybe I'm just boring." or "Maybe this is my fault." I noticed the change and had to fix this immediately. So I traveled two hours just to see you despite my parent's wishes and without even letting them know where I would be. After that, my relationship with you got better and my relationship with my parents and God severed. I was not myself anymore. I began to develop an attachment to you when you told me how you felt about me. Things were great for awhile, you were calling me and making me feel wanted and special. But, things quickly got back to how they used to be fast.
Things were becoming routine. You'd call me in the morning, disappear throughout the day and text me super late at night. I told you that this bothered me. You immediately shot me down and told me I was being ridiculous. I believe that was the turning point for me, I was no longer valued and appreciated. I was like your own personal book. You could pick me up and read me when you needed to and then let me dust it out on the shelf when you were done. My self-esteem was affected, my mental health was affected, my spirit was affected. I allowed you to continue to manipulate and control me out of desperation for months. It took me awhile to realize that this was a form of emotional abuse.
"You've got to learn to leave the table when love's no longer being served." -Nina Simone
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't think you're a bad person. But, you certainly are a person full of hurt and rejection and only reciprocating what you knew. There were times when I saw moments of vulnerability and those were the moments that my compassion and patience grew for you. Not only did I care about you, but I took on whatever you were feeling.
You taught me so much. You taught me how to see things from a different perspective, you taught me how to LISTEN, and I mean actually listen to people. You also taught me what I won't put up with in my next relationship. You taught me that I should allow God to lead me next time to the right person. You taught me never to settle for less than what I deserve next time. You reminded me that I am a daughter of the King and am worthy of REAL love. A love that is unconditional and uplifting. A love that is gentle and kind and wow, I sure do thank you for that lesson. I wish you nothing but the best, honestly. I will continue to pray that God will lead you and protect you and that you'll allow him to heal you where you hurt. That's my prayer for myself too! You too, are worthy of that amazing love God has to offer. You are forgiven.
Best Wishes,
Diona
Celebrating the fourth. :-)